Beyond 50-50: Building Real Partnership

We challenge the 50-50 myth and build a case for dynamic partnership where love, money, and load shift with real life. We share how to plan for risk, communicate beyond assumptions, and make home a safe haven while honoring each partner’s love language.

• rejecting 50-50 as a fixed rule
• naming energy gaps and filling love tanks
• comparing old roles with today’s realities
• building shared financial security and buffers
• protecting Black men’s mental health at home
• planning long term beyond social media takes
• practicing love languages instead of guessing
• turning communication into actions that fit
• choosing each other and celebrating wins

Transcript

Canceling The 50-50 Myth

SPEAKER_01 0:00

When you're dating someone, don't automatically jump in and think that, oh, I'm gonna do all of this stuff. And when they don't appreciate it, you like nah because he's so unappreciative, da-da-da-da-da. And men do the same thing, and it's like you never ask them how they like to receive love. You have to know their love language.

SPEAKER_03 0:19

You could have been the brand winner, something could fall off. I can be you're 75 if you only got 25.

SPEAKER_01 0:27

Financial security is very important to me. And so I am not okay with just having my husband be the one bringing in income.

SPEAKER_03 0:40

I'm not okay with it. Mary J. Blige said, um, come into my bedroom, honey. What I got will make you spend money. This. Do it all for my boy. He has to take care of each other. We have to show up for each other.

SPEAKER_00 0:57

Woman in Black is where we put down the cape and pick up the mic, being authentically who we are, where we are, unmasked, unfiltered, and unapologetic.

SPEAKER_03 1:09

Hi guys! Hey! Welcome back to the couch. It's Friday, as you know. If you're watching us on the couch, if you're snowed in somewhere, grab your favorite drink of choice. Grab your blanket.

SPEAKER_01 1:29

It's about to go down.

SPEAKER_03 1:32

How's your day going?

SPEAKER_01 1:33

It's going okay. Um I had a long week. I had a long week. But my day is going okay. Not as productive as I would have liked it to be, but I am checking things off my list. That means I'm getting things done. And uh yesterday was more of like a rest day. So yeah, I'm here. I'm good, I'm thriving. What's up with you?

SPEAKER_03 1:57

My week is weekend. Work the kids, work the kids. Kids are kids in. Kids are kids and all that, all that good stuff. And I am in love with myself. I was about to go there about saying Jesus. No, I'm in love with myself. I'm loving love is important. Yeah, I'm loving who I who my who I be who I become. Like I love you, girl. Girl, I love you. I love myself. That's good. Yeah. I love you too. Um, but yeah, so with that being said, let's jump right into it. So I have a great question. We're in the month of February. It's love month. What do you think about relationships? Are they 50-50? I don't think nothing is 50-50.

SPEAKER_01 2:55

I think we want them to be. Or some people don't. Some people

Energy, Love Tanks, And Hugs

SPEAKER_01 3:00

just want a hundred from somebody else. But I because we're gonna get into love month a little bit more. Because this is my birthday month, y'all. Yes, I'm sorry. Yes, we are. But okay, so our relationships 50. They're not 50-50. There's no way that there's very it's not 50-50. Okay. That's just what it is. Cause some days I'm on five. Right. And Dom gotta be on 95. I can't today. And my love take is empty. I need you to pour a little bit in there, hug me. Like when he comes in the house or whatever, I've never been a physical touch person. I just I wasn't that. I didn't grow up like that. My dad gave me big bear hugs, though. He did every now and again. He'll give me big bear hugs. But I just wasn't really physical touch. But lately, after giving all my love and all my energy and my care to these kids, I be needing my tank to be filled up. So when Dom comes in from work, I'd be like, can I just have a hug? And he just hug me and hold me. And he'd be like this. Eyes rolling over.

SPEAKER_03 4:15

So at that point, what are you? Zero, zero, zero, and he's a little bit. No. What are you?

SPEAKER_01 4:21

Listen, unless it's football season. So during that point, I am sometimes, because I be working hard during the day, y'all. So when he comes home from work, oftentimes he's not as drained as I am. His job, his day job is not as demanding. And so when he hugs me, it's a transfer of someone with him to me. Give me some energy. Give me some of the love energy, the love pheromones and stuff.

SPEAKER_03 4:50

Okay. So I asked that question because we are a part of, we're kind of a part of the new generation, right? Of adults. Okay, yeah. But we also got to experience the older generation, right? Where the men, where it appeared, what we thought back in the day was the man was the hundred percent. That's what we thought. Because we did not realize that what was how necessary necessary the role of the woman, our grandmoms or our great aunts. We didn't realize how necessary that was because for our culture, we can't speak for everybody else's, but uh financial things are at the top of the list. So when we see that grandpa just taking care of everything, that's not back in the day, that wasn't a 50-50 love. That was he, he, he, he has all the love. She just there. Yeah, I think that's how they marketed it to us. Yeah, yeah, that's what it was. Yeah, that's what they wanted us to believe that the relationship was.

SPEAKER_01 5:56

Yeah, they they put money before spirituality, emotional care, before self-care as a whole in society. That's what society said. But again, it's it's our family was broken, right? Like the black family was broken. And we're only talking about three to four generations ago. It's broken. They belittled our men, they did this, they did that. So, in that change coming out of Jim Crow South and civil rights and stuff, in that change, I feel like our men had to find ways to take

Old Models Vs Modern Realities

SPEAKER_01 6:30

ownership of their masculinity again. They had to take their masculinity back. And with that, what is society telling us? Women didn't have any rights for a long time. Black women couldn't vote until the 60s. Like it's just all of this stuff happening where we didn't, as women, we didn't have the choice to go out and work and make money and get a job. And I think a lot of us still living under that umbrella of the man does all of these things and has to do all of these things because that's still where our mindset is. And that's how we think other cultures are doing different, their reality is different. And it's like you could ask yourself, well, how far do I want to go as a unit, as a partnership? If you decide in your house that you want that the man is the breadwinner, right? He gives a hundred percent financially, and as a woman, I'm gonna be home with the kids. Like, that still work. That still works. Don't get me wrong, that still works. But it's okay for women to now decide, I want to make money too, and contribute in that area. Right. But we know when that happens, them kids going to need some type of support from both their parents. They're gonna need extra love, extra nurturing from both their parents. And so, like, it's like 50-50 at what? Is it 50-50 at finances? Is it 50-50 at love? Because if it's 50-50 at finances, then we're gonna have to be 50-50 at taking care of these kids. Right, right.

SPEAKER_03 8:05

So, um, because y'all may not know, I try to keep up on what I'm seeing on social media.

SPEAKER_01 8:12

No, you you you are very clear about that. Yes, that's right. You done seen.

SPEAKER_03 8:16

So I saw a few posts of a man saying, if you can't give 50-50, see ya, see ya. What is he talking about? So I don't know what he was talking about because in my mind, right? This is how I'm going. And I've always felt like this for a long time. Like ever since you know, I became a woman, I've always felt like this. There are times when, like you said, you may only have 40% in your tank. Right. As long as he got the 60, we got 100. For me as a woman, because again, I'm not like the other women, we all don't think the same. Right. When it when we go into that that uh ratio of what a relationship is, it's not just financial for me. Right. Because I need more than finance. First of all, let's back that up. Would your extra finances be a plus? Absolutely. Yeah, do I need them? Not to survive, to survive because I'm doing you know what I mean? But two two um incomes are always better than one, right? But it's so much more than that financial piece. I don't need, I don't need to be out buying Gucci Louie, I don't need that from a man, right? I need communication. Can you give me 80% of communication when I'm when I only have 20 left? Because normally I'm the 90% of communication because I always got something to say. But it's those those wee times where I'm not feeling myself. Can you bring me back up to the level? Can you be the the addition to get us to that 100%? That's what I need. So all like that 50-50, and it's again going back to finances because that's what they taught us as a culture. Like that's how that's what we're supposed to look at. Screw that. Yeah, screw that. Can you be my can you could have been the breadwinner and something could fall off? I can be you're 75 if you only got 25. And I work.

SPEAKER_01 10:20

That's for me like a financial security is very important to me. And so, w however it came, whether out of trauma or out of information, okay, and knowledge, I am not okay with just having my husband be the one bringing in income. I'm not okay with that. I depend on my husband for partnership, yes, or growth. I I know our marriage is a ministry because marriage is a ministry. Um, however, when it when something falls down in the United States

Money, Risk, And Shared Security

SPEAKER_01 11:00

of America, I don't care if you got your money in a stock market, I don't care if you are an entrepreneur. There are ebbs and flows, okay? There's ebbs and flows to wealth, there's ebbs and flows to business. You could say your husband is a millionaire today, and tomorrow he could be at zero. His company could go bankrupt, his whatever. He could be at the heights of his career, somebody done lied on him about something, somebody or his finger done got cut off. I'm so serious. This is how crazy it is. Yeah, you're right. And so, yes, our men will have, we pray our men have the bounce back mentality. But oftentimes when they're high and something happens, there's time where they have to adjust in order to get back to where they are. Yeah, I'm not losing any of my amenities if something happens, right? Absolutely not. I'm not because guess what? Dez knew how to work, Dez built her own. You know what I'm saying? Like, I'm gonna always bring the table. We got two tables. He got one and I got one. And we're gonna push them together, put that tablecloth over top, right? All y'all gonna see is one. Yeah, that's it. And and I just think that in today's world, that's important because it's more volatile than it was when our parents and our grandparents grew up. We can't keep we have to adjust, we can't keep leaning on what they said. We uh we could understand it in their time, right? But we not living in that time.

SPEAKER_03 12:34

We're not living in that time, and guess what? They were only doing what they were taught. So we we done picked up that we love y'all, but that wasn't how it was supposed to go. Because another thing to that, right? You putting all this strain on that man to make sure he provides, right? What they didn't do back in the day was make sure that a man black man's mental health was a focus, uh, a priority because it wasn't. It was so if my mind, if me and my man are, if he working, I'm working, I would rather it be that way until we could get to somewhere where we're making money in our in our sleep because I don't want that whole strain to go on him. And then when he comes home at night, he can't he can't focus, he can't pay attention, he's depressed, he's irritable, like he can't be my man. Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 13:22

Like, I'm not I'm not living like that. Um, people, I think it's so important. I think it's so important for us to understand the world we live in today. Period. With social media, with the laws that have come out, nobody's safe. Nobody, nobody's safe out here, especially if you're a black man and black woman, you're not, you're not safe right now. Okay understand that. Like, come up with plans. I'm not in anybody else's relationship. So if y'all got it set up, how you know, like he works, I stay home. Cool. I'm gonna tell you this right now. If he working a nine to five, you better have a degree on staying at home, because that's okay. You better have a side hustle, some way to make money, because between layoffs, between the stock market we experienced um recently, and in y'all, my kids home. And in 2008, we have to understand that it's a different world. At any point in time, anything could be shaken up. Your 401ks could be gone, your IRAs could plummet, you can't pull money out to sustain yourself. Like you gotta be smart about this. You have to be smart.

SPEAKER_02 14:38

Hey, it's Des here. Before we continue, if you're a woman who does it all, sports mom, dance mom, beach girl, healthcare worker, someone whose life doesn't fit into one lane, you need a bag that can be fun. This episode is in affiliation with Bog Bag. It's durable, waterproof, modular, and fully customizable. Whether you're headed to the stadium, the beach, or straight into a long day, it holds your lifestyle together without you having to think about it. You'll find the link in the show notes and the comments. Now let's get back to the conversation.

SPEAKER_03 15:15

And again, whatever works for you and him, for you and her, let it

Mental Health And The Load Men Carry

SPEAKER_03 15:20

keep working. Like keep doing what y'all got going on. But at the same time, you have, all of us, we have to stop allowing social media to be this leader for us, like this disgusting.

SPEAKER_01 15:32

Like, ugh, do what do at the end of the day, because we got strong point opinions, right? But I agree. I agree with you that every household do what's important for you, but have a long-term plan. Yes. Like if you got toddlers and you like, okay, I'm staying home to raise my kids before they go to school. Yeah, I love that for you. If you could do that, if you can do that, yeah, like kudos. But long-term plans are so important, like, I can't see in today's world long-term.

SPEAKER_03 16:04

And what we're what we're not saying, because some men think that sometimes, like, when a woman starts making money, they start getting a little more mouthy.

SPEAKER_01 16:16

Men start getting mouthy. Women. Oh. Well, it ain't well, listen, y'all.

SPEAKER_03 16:22

I don't know. I I can't, I see, so so listen, I'll I'm I'm mouthy.

SPEAKER_01 16:28

But you came like this.

SPEAKER_03 16:30

But I came like this, right? But but I will say this for the right woman and for the right man, that your helpmate will soften. Yes. So if you're doing everything as a man that you're supposed to do, that woman is not gonna be talking to you all crazy. And if you're doing everything as a woman that you're supposed to do, that man not gonna be talking to you all crazy. And if they are, they are not the correct helpmates. Ooh, that's or they got something going on and y'all need to figure that out.

SPEAKER_01 17:00

Yeah, I'll say that because everything is a work in progress, right? Yeah, everything it's just that's so taboo. It's like such a taboo topic.

SPEAKER_03 17:10

It's just and that's again, that's again me coming back from social media, seeing different thrills and stuff, because we have to address it. Because if we don't sit here and address certain things, it will be like it's an okay thing, and everybody in the world is not believing everything that or following everything that's on social media.

SPEAKER_01 17:30

I I think some people have the perception that we all see in the same thing. I don't even see what's in her algorithm. So I be when she brings the topics up, I'm like, wait, what happened? So that right there should be very clear because she listen, she the researcher for the podcast. Okay, she she the researcher for the podcast, so she gotta see that stuff. I'm glad that I don't see it, or else my perspective might not be what it is, right?

SPEAKER_03 17:58

And another reason I'm glad you don't see it is because when we come and bring it to y'all, it's always fresh. Yeah, it's not pre-rehearsed, yeah. Because she don't know, she never know what I'm gonna come with. I don't know what she be talking about.

SPEAKER_01 18:10

I'm like, they now they did what this time? The people doing what we doing with the people that said what's the new word? Because, huh? Huh? So yeah,

Practical Safeguards For Households

SPEAKER_01 18:20

okay. So we just gotta recalibrate. We gotta listen, do what's best for your household. We always gonna say that at that end of the day. But families, partnerships, please think long term and don't think that one person gotta carry the whole load.

SPEAKER_03 18:33

Yeah, and if and now listen, if your man is saying, babe, I don't want you to work because I got it. This, I need you, like Dead said, we need you to make sure that when my boy comes home, he is straight. Because the the thing that our black men need is a safe haven. Because when they go outside in that world, that world don't give a dang about them. That of course it doesn't give a dang about us, but it was the world was taught not to give a dang about our black men. So when that black man comes home, he needs a safe haven. No, are we sitting here saying every day is gonna be just a peachy day? No, but like learn to communicate. If that man been, if that man set you up and you don't have to work, and you got some funds and you got allowing all of this stuff, sis, you gotta do some tricks. I'ma listen, you gotta do some tricks. I would need you to hold it down for all the women, all of us, yeah. Hold it down. I need you to do some tricks. What uh Mary J. Blige said, um, come into my bedroom, honey. What I got will make you spend money. This do it all for my boy, all right? Take care of my boy because if you're you got a black man, that's my black man too. Whether that's my black brother, my cousin, my friend, not man, that's not my man, but we have to take care of each other, we have to show up for each other. And we're living in a society right now where the world is telling the black man that the black woman does not appreciate them.

SPEAKER_01 20:14

That's wild. We gotta change the narrative. That's wild. And I would say to the woman too, once the kids get a little older, if that's why you stay at home, get something for yourself. Like, I don't care if it's volunteer work, yeah. Do something, you know, a charity or something, do something. Like something that could be changed into a skill if you had to get a job, something that's fulfilling to you.

SPEAKER_03 20:38

Like just do

Sponsor Break: The Bag Plug

SPEAKER_03 20:40

something that do something, have a goal, do something, especially if you're set up that way where you don't have to work. Do something that you love to do that does not feel like work. Yeah, exactly. And make it work for you. Like, because once you love, once you in something you love, you'll just be having fun. Some days gonna be stressful, but yeah, you'll be having fun. So just do something that works for you, right? Because I be just doing stuff all the time.

SPEAKER_01 21:11

Doing stuff, I've been doing stuff and I'm like, but like, why? Because too, yeah, all the time.

SPEAKER_03 21:19

But

Plan Long Term, Not For Likes

SPEAKER_03 21:20

that 50-50 today, we're gonna throw that out the window.

SPEAKER_01 21:24

I just want my husband to feel like you know, like women want to feel chosen, but I feel like men want to feel chosen too.

SPEAKER_03 21:30

I feel like they want to be celebrated. So this goes back to member y'all. Remember y'all, we were saying, or men the prize. Well, my man. That's my prize. Your men is gonna be. Hold on, let's rephrase that. My man is gonna be my prize, your man is your prize, okay? Those are the prizes. We you you have to make your man feel wanted and loved, and vice versa, right? It's not those old school, I don't know. My granny did something, my papa had. She had to do something for him to make him feel love. We ain't see it back then. But she did something because they had a lot of kids. He was there.

SPEAKER_01 22:08

She was doing something.

SPEAKER_03 22:11

Don't play with my money. Don't play with, no, don't play with her. He was from. No, she got me. Got me too and things. Yeah. But um, yeah, we have to throw that 50-50 narrative out the window because you don't always have 50 in you. I don't always have 50 in me. That has to stop, okay? Make your significant other feel loved.

SPEAKER_01 22:41

If you do that, how do you make them feel loved? You have to know their love language. Because what will make someone else feel love may not make the next person. When you're dating someone, don't automatically jump in and think that, oh, I'm gonna do all of this stuff. And when they don't appreciate it, you like, nah, cause he's so unappreciative, da-da-da-da-da. And men do the same thing. And it's like, you never ask them how they like to receive love. You never studied them. You assume that they want everything else another woman wants. Like, I don't need edible arrangements. My husband bought, and he's like, but you bought me flowers. And he said, Well, next time I'm gonna just buy you flowers. And I said, Yes, I prefer flowers over edible arrangement. You could buy me one sunflower. I want them both. She wants them both.

SPEAKER_03 23:34

But don't buy me no edible arrangement. Go to the Amish market and just give me some chocolate-covered strawberries or the chocolate-covered pineapples. Give me a cupcake. Give me a donut, give me a macaron. Follow 1984 cakes, because that's my girl. And just tell her Josh needs some macarons. She knows the flavors I like. She knows the flavors that I like. Okay? When

Respect, Roles, And Feeling Chosen

SPEAKER_03 24:00

you see that, just pull up on that little blue truck and she can just say, I'm here to help to get something nice to surprise Josh. She's gonna hook it up. She's gonna put a little thing together for you.

SPEAKER_01 24:10

You know what's crazy? And I tell people this all the time, right? You have to tell people how to love you or how to, and you gotta be okay with doing that.

SPEAKER_00 24:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 24:22

Like you have to tell people and show people. Like, you gotta set those expectations. You gotta put it up, be up front with it. At least you have transparent communication. Communication is so key that people just think communicating is talking. Like they think, oh, it's just talking about what we like, what we enjoy, all that. It's not that. Communication is so deep with is this information becoming knowledge that you can act on? How am I expressing what I love? How are you asking the right questions to get out of them? Like, one thing, my husband knows me so well. He pays so much attention. He said out loud this time about the edible arrangements and the flowers. But he knows me so well. He knows my body, he knows my cycle, he knows my everything. He like, and it's nothing to him to do it. Like, it's probably like a gift for him. Yeah. Because a lot of men not like this. Right. I'm the one who be struggling. I'm the one who be struggling. Just because she be overthinking. I I don't be thinking. But this one comes to love language, right? I like sentimental gifts for people. So like I'm so extra, I'll do like a basket with all his favorite little things in it. Or what I assume his favorite little things. Does he appreciate it? Yes. But what he would prefer sometimes is exactly what he told you he wanted.

SPEAKER_03 25:48

Right, right. For example, okay. For example, last Christmas when I was trying to find him like the full size colognes from Duty, and Duty was like, Mom, he liked travel size. I'm like, no, we're gonna get him the full size. And Duty is telling me, Mom, this is what he liked. But us being us, no, I'ma do this, I'ma do what I want to do.

SPEAKER_01 26:14

Like literally. Literally. And he tells me that. He's like, you just do whatever you want to do. Like I appreciate it. But you're not gonna get what you expect out of him when you get that sentimental gift, versus when you get exactly what he told you he liked. What you know for a yeah, for a fact. Like it's just like, oh, I'm gonna be cute, because I like it. So I'm like, oh I'm gonna make it so cute, he's gonna love it. And then he get it, he'd be like, oh, thank you. And then you'd be like, he'd be like, what? But when you get a little travel side, oh, this is perfect. I was looking for something like this, but when I travel, when I do my speaking engagement, so when I do that, like I need to, you know, or whatever it is. And it's just like, dang. Dang. Yeah, probably doing that a lot too.

SPEAKER_03 26:54

It just not, I be doing that with the kids too. Yeah, we do that because we we we are automatically, we are extra.

SPEAKER_01 27:03

We automatically divert to what we enjoy and what we like when people blatantly tell us half the time what they what they like, what they want. And it's like, but I thought you would like it, but I okay.

SPEAKER_03 27:15

I do like it, but uh that's why duty graduation party, everybody eating

Love Languages Over Assumptions

SPEAKER_03 27:20

peanut butter and jellies. I am so mad at you. That's what duty like.

SPEAKER_01 27:27

Do you like them? Okay, all right. Duty, you better talk to your mom. I'm gonna need you to talk to your mom. Tell her exactly what you want. If you want her to do it, then say Ma, you can do all the things you like to do, and I'll just be there. That's okay too.

SPEAKER_03 27:43

But if not, dude, they're gonna be in peanut butter. You're gonna be in peanut butter jelly. And I know you like that jelly blended with that peanut butter. I might sit one day. She tells you all your business. Love it. I'm by that for you. So I know. So, with that being said, I'm gonna leave y'all with we are canceling that whole 50-50-ish. I don't even understand. I think I'm just gonna Don't even try to understand it because guess what? We just did canceled it. You don't even have to understand it. We canceled it. It just always sounds like money. I just feel like that's again because that's what you taught us, and relationships are not about money. Yes. Do we need money? Absolutely, we do, but can I survive without money? Absolutely, probably not. But yeah, we can we learn how to make money together to achieve our goals, even if we have separate goals? Absolutely. So, yeah, cancel that whole 50-50 because some days Josh is on 60 and he might be on 40. Some days Dez be on 110 and um be on 90. That's 200. So cancel that whole relationship should be 50-50. No, they should not. If she already got her table put together and he got a table, we're gonna go ahead and blend them tables. If he got a little bit more on her on his table than she does, we're gonna bring her table over to his table. It is what it is. All right, y'all. But you leave it on move. I don't really got nothing. She just she don't understand still.

SPEAKER_01 29:25

I think listen, I may have gone on several different tangents because I just don't feel like anything is 50-50. So I'm gonna leave y'all with create the partnership you desire. But in today's economy and volatility, be smart because you don't want your relationship to to crumble because your expectations was different than what society could hold.