Women In Black

It’s Okay to Say No

• WIB • Season 1 • Episode 8

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Why is it so hard to say no when we know we need to? This episode gets honest about people-pleasing, overextending ourselves, and learning to protect our peace without guilt. From motherhood and relationships to faith and self-care, the conversation unpacks how boundaries can be an act of obedience, rest, and spiritual growth.

It’s a reminder that saying no isn’t rejection — it’s redirection. Sometimes the greatest “yes” to your purpose starts with a simple no.

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SPEAKER_01:

One, two, three, no.

SPEAKER_02:

And you can say nothing nice. No. One thing I'm not gonna do is raise a whole bunch of bratty kids that go into a whole bunch of bratty adults. And what I thought I was gonna get rid of at 18, turn into soul core. Let me have 40 for the same type of thing.

SPEAKER_01:

Creating those boundaries and saying no, it'll have you feeling bad at first. But then when you realize how much self-care it is in saying no, you start feeling good. God knows it's not.

SPEAKER_02:

Or no, because I got something bad for you better.

SPEAKER_01:

If I tell you I can't come somewhere to leave me and God going on a date, there you go. So don't take it personal, take it out with him.

SPEAKER_00:

Woman in Black is where we put down the case and pick up the mic, being authentically who we are, where we are, unmasked, unfiltered, and unapologetic.

SPEAKER_02:

Alright, let's do a quick check-in. How are you? How are you doing? Why are you laughing?

SPEAKER_01:

Because I'm alright. You know, got some things going on right now. But I'm good. What about you? I'm good.

SPEAKER_02:

Living? Living. Then I said, I'm fine, I'm living. I'm surviving. I'm thriving. I'm I'm listening I'm living my soft girl era. Good. I don't even care about nothing else. It's the boy, I don't even care. I don't even care. It's just like what, huh?

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, I wish I couldn't care. Well, I choose what I care about. Me too. That's better. But the stuff I want to choose not to care about, I still got to care about. Yeah. I have two cups today. I have a cup of water and a cup of sugar. That's exactly what it is. That's it. And that's why I'm I'm dehydrated and all this other stuff. Yeah. Yeah. What you need is a cup of tea. That's what you need. I had tea. Yes.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

Flash into your sugar.

SPEAKER_02:

And then the other way around. I got my black tea with um dandelion root in it. You need that. Let's see you need the. I'm trying. I just be on my journey. We all got journey. That's one of my journeys. Because my body don't be cooperating. So I gotta do more. I gotta be extra with it. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

Gotta be disciplined.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah. So what's our topic for today?

SPEAKER_01:

It is. Saying no, it's okay to say no. Yeah. And why it's important to say no. You gotta create those boundaries. No. Right. I overwhelm myself. Not on purpose, but because I want to show up for everybody. Yep. And then I'm trained. And in the time, I I should, what I should do is when people invite me places, I should just be like, oh, let me think about it first. Immediately, if y'all if I already know I don't have anything to do. Or I know I can, even if I know I can't, I'ma still be like, okay, I'll be there. I'll do it. You see how I just ran those uh cases of water in the house knowing good and well, my body couldn't do that today. It's still just all right, I'll do it.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, because I think sometimes we over um extend ourselves thinking that we're being nice, and we done went over into it ain't so I don't I won't call it self-sabotage yet, but just think of this scenario where somebody's you ask somebody if they need something and they say no, and you like, are you sure?

SPEAKER_01:

Take that no and run and just go, right? Yes, that's what I have to do. Yes, so no, yeah, they they are okay, cool, but I'm just so over, it's it's just me. It's just me always wanting to make sure everybody is okay, and I read something that people who overshare or who always want to show up for people, they do it because people haven't like they feel like they're filling a void of when times when people just weren't there for them or when they needed people. I've always had a village, right? But the times that I needed people the most, nobody knew that I needed them. And whose fault is that?

SPEAKER_02:

Mine. You and the only reason why I ask that is like I'm definitely a person who have done more, but I have to always like check myself in it and ask myself those questions because they're not putting me in that position. I'm putting me in that position. Yeah, and I'm like, Dez, you're not showing up for you. That's not their fault. Exactly, exactly.

SPEAKER_01:

And it's hard, it's a hard lesson to learn. So I had to learn that. No, and then one time, it's like it's so hard because I'm an I'm an empath, like I have so much empathy to a uh to an extent, right? Especially, okay, especially because I am let's throw this out here. This is one thing y'all could get to know about me. I'm friendly, but I'm not nice, right? So I can engage in a conversation with anybody, I can make you feel really nice and just be friendly, but I'm only nice, like really nice to my people. Right. Like, I'm overly like those are my people, I'm territorial. So I never want anyone to lack anything. If we're all attached, like I'm gonna try to find a way to make your situation better. Like, that's just me. But one time I found myself um just checking up on other people, and um someone needed some food, right? So this person didn't need food, but I felt bad because like he needed me, right? So I could never say no. So here I am ordering all this food to send to the next state. Turn around in my pantry after literally texting, like the food got delivered. Did you get it? Turn around in my pantry, mind you, I have boys. Me, my boy, me and my boy, just it's just me and my boys at home. Turn around in my pantry, and I haven't even gone grocery shopping for myself. No food in there for my for me and my kids, but because I could not say no, you know what I mean? But it just took from it, kind of like it, not even kind of, it did. It took from their mouths to feed somebody else who is capable of doing for themselves, versus my boys are still kids, so they depend, they depend depend. They depend solely on me to get, you know what I mean, to supply their needs. But that made me realize like Josh, you gotta say no. Yeah, you gotta say no.

SPEAKER_02:

I think it took me some time to learn as well. I'm not gonna act like I just like I still have time to wear art, but I'm I'm probably I'm probably not as bad as you are, because I I would say no, or I'll be like, I'm not sure if I could do that, or you know, trying to find better ways of saying it so I don't feel bad, but I my brain is telling me, well, that don't feel bad for prioritizing yourself, and so I think that's where I no longer look to people for my validation. I know we've said things like that in the past, like people be running to internet validation stuff, yeah. But um, I don't look to people for validation anymore. Like I know who I am, I don't need to hand clap, I don't need to not saying that's why you did that, I want to be clear. I don't need to hand clap, but I think those are some of the reasons why um I showed up for people in the past. I showed up for for them in the past, one to make them feel good, but because it made me feel good. And I understand that God can use me to uh show show the world who he is, and sometimes I don't know where that boundary stops, but I also know that God wants me to prioritize him in my life, not just showing other people him. And I think that's where the confusion used to like overwhelm me. I didn't see it as confusion, but once you start having children, once you start these things and you you do that and you look at your parents and you're like, did I just and that's the realization, like, yes, my cup will overflow, but I'm not just gonna pour my cup into yours, right?

SPEAKER_01:

Right, and then you realize, right? I'm constantly giving yes, yes. And and listen, the yeses do not mean financial yeses all the time. You know what I mean? Like, it could be anything because you can be drained just from always giving somebody advice all the time, always being a burden dumper where they dump their burdens on you, and then you just constantly pouring into them. So I had to learn that part too. Like, no, I can't, I can't pour into you right now. I can't, I can't do it. Like, I am currently, I think we said this in a few episodes prior, like in my selfish season, where I have to say, I literally have to say no. Right, like literally have to say no, even with my kids, right? So, because I raise my kids by myself, and my most of my kids, they have um, all of their friends are like two-parent households. So I always go up super above and beyond to make sure my kids don't ever feel like they're lacking anything because such and such mom and dad did this, and such and such mom and dad did this, so it's like I gotta do it. But here lately, no, and it's always Tyler, like it's always Tyler. He always gets me like feeling like, oh my god, now I gotta go three times harder because his friends are no, no, Tyler. I love you. No, it's always Tyler, it's always what it's always Tyler. He could get me every time to feel so bad, like, oh, I gotta do this extra because he only has me.

SPEAKER_02:

And it's so crazy because like I now I see it from both sides, right? Having been a single mom and then having been married, and I'm so much practicing no with these kids, and I think that from the single mom perspective, sometimes we feel like we gotta fill that void and we want to show up the best, we want them to feel like they're not lacking anything. But on the other end, from the marriage perspective, I sit here like y'all not about to be entitled.

SPEAKER_01:

No, you're not gonna get an exact no, no, no, and so it's like almost not that all single parents and all married parents do this, but sometimes you see that as a single bob, you you doing things that the married parents ain't even doing, and you out here picking up two extra jobs just to make sure. Mind you, you already make good money, but you gotta go get a whole nother job just to make sure.

SPEAKER_02:

No, like I'm about to stress myself out behind.

SPEAKER_01:

Exactly.

SPEAKER_02:

Like go outside, go outside.

SPEAKER_01:

No, leave me a girl. It's just I don't, and then honestly, no, it's hard for me. For for me to hear people tell me no. Oh, yeah. That's like what kind of what's that a foreign language? Like, what do you mean no? Like, that's okay, and that might be come because like I'm the youngest again. Um you know what I mean? I'm the only girl, so it's like, no, what is no? That is disgusting. You want me to go back upstairs and try this again? Like, that's nasty. No, I used to have a hard time with that. No, that's crazy. Mo could mean like not right now, yeah. But no, no, I don't want to hear that. Do it now. I asked you right now. Give it to me now. Okay, DJ. Yeah, yeah, that's me now. Right now. How are you gonna get over that? No, I no, that was me. I'm sorry. That was me. I'm over it.

SPEAKER_02:

But you know, for the most part, that probably brings balance to your personality though, because it also makes you a go-getter. Like, okay, you said no, well, let me go here because I ain't accepting enough.

SPEAKER_01:

Yes, because I did that. Like, I did that before, like, um when I was dating somebody and they basically basically like, oh, I I can't do that. Oh, okay, you can't, I'm gonna do it. Bye. Hello, yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

Okay, okay, let's unpack that real quick.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, bye. I don't wanna unpack it, unpack it too much. Share a piece, as but no bye.

SPEAKER_02:

No bye. I think that's okay to say sometimes if you have your expectations of people and what you need in a man and stuff.

SPEAKER_01:

Because the background of that is if you're not gonna do it, don't complain about it.

SPEAKER_02:

It was it a reasonable thing, yes. Okay, that's all I need to know.

SPEAKER_01:

Yes, isn't it always reasonable with me?

SPEAKER_02:

Oh, geez. So you might have a different definition of reasonable, I'm finding it.

SPEAKER_01:

No, it was reasonable. Okay, let's do it. It was reasonable. Next topic. No, it was reasonable, but no, I I don't know. I just couldn't take no. But what's some of the no's that you guys need to create for yourselves? Like, because creating those boundaries and saying no, it'll have you feeling bad at first, but then when you realize how much self-care it is in saying no, you start feeling good, yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

Even in these kids too, like, so one thing I'm not gonna do is raise a whole bunch of bratty kids that grow into a whole bunch of bratty adults, and what I thought I was gonna get rid of at 18, turn into someone called let me at 40 for the same type of thing. I'm not doing that, right? I know parenting is a lifelong thing, I get that, but I need to be, I need for my kids to become healthy adults. So what I'm working on is not even just saying no to them, but also saying no to me and the expectations as a parent to say, I don't gotta do all that because I'll be doing all of that.

SPEAKER_01:

Yes. So I just recently had to say no to throw in a big birthday party, right? Because why? My these boys are just as simple as just for example, after I said I wasn't gonna do the big shebang for Jace, I said, Oh, I'm gonna take him to the American Dream um water park. And then I stopped, I said, no, asked Jace what he wants to do. This boy said he wanna go to David Buster's perfect busters, it is Jace in Roblox, right? That's and here I am ready to spin a fortune.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, and I listen, because I learned that for Christmas. I might as well just wrap up boxes for them.

SPEAKER_01:

DJ will make his own car track, he's been done no for real, because we end up spending all this money every year, right? And they play with things for two, three days, and we get the big stuff, and it's not for they could these kids could care less. But it's us.

SPEAKER_02:

Let me tell you. It's us what I did this past Christmas. I left them open like three gifts apiece, and I hid all the rest of them in the closet. They've been asking for them gifts all year. I ain't gonna lie. I probably left them get like one out of them. Guess what's gonna happen with them gifts? They're gonna back under the tree this year. Yeah, I don't blame you. Cause why? And then their birthdays in March. Right. They got the same, but we bought them for Christmas. They godparents bought them in March. Or in March for their birthdays. Or or grandparents, and I like literally the same toy. I said, I'm not doing this no more. Is it too late to take it back? Well, I had already threw out the oh, okay. I was gonna say it triggered something in my head. It was a lot of, it was a lot of the same gifts. So it triggered something in my head where I was like, okay, I see. First of all, when that does happen, my husband's very, he's very smart, he's logical. So I can't even take credit.

SPEAKER_01:

Got you back for that uh picture you posted on Instagram. He was waiting for your moment.

SPEAKER_02:

I am gotta tell him to watch this gotta. She got you, buddy. I can't say nothing. But uh he he actually I can't even take credit for putting the gifts in the closet. I think I was the one complaining about it, but he the one who actually was like, Oh, I can solve this.

SPEAKER_01:

That's smart, yeah. Because we just do too much, but no is really self-care, yeah. It really is self-care, and I'm getting over it with um my kids. I can say that, but my biggest no is um being invited places like I have to create those no boundaries, like no, I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to sit this one out. You know, like I have I literally have to because for when I be drained, I'm a whole sports mom. Yeah, I'm a robotics mom now, too. Kids starting to work, like I am a superwoman, so sometimes the cape really needs to come off, and I don't want to do anything. Anything. Like I can't, and then also I have to say no when it comes to being invited places where it's not my crowd. Because do you know how much stress that puts on you? That you're just sitting somewhere uncomfortable when it's not your crowd of people, right? Like, you know what I mean? And it's okay to say no. And if and at our grown ages, if your friends don't understand that you're not comfortable or that you cannot attend or show up at for one particular event, if they get mad and can't understand that, that might be a them problem.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, because I I I'm quick to be like, I just can't, I can't. I I yeah, she do. I can't like if I can't, I just can't. Like I I don't even have any other words for them, and they'll know exactly what I'm talking about. Either I can't, I can't either I don't want to hang out with them, or I'm tired and I need time to myself. I don't know if it's like because technically I'm an extrovert. That's that's what the things say, the personality assessments. But I need I'm drained throughout the week, so I need time to replenish. Rest is so important. It is I didn't realize it. We cannot be who we're supposed to be if we don't take time to rest. And I learned out the hard way because God said, I'm gonna sit you down. You wanna sit down? I'm gonna sit you down.

SPEAKER_01:

Yes, and that's the thing, right? This just this just came to me, right? I make time for everybody. You invite me somewhere, I'm coming, I'm doing this. But do I make that same time for God? That's more, and that's more important to me right now. You know what I mean? Like, that's so much more important to me. Like just reading my word and journaling and just listening, just thinking. Meditating on God, yes. So, my no, if I tell you I can't come somewhere, that means me and God going on a date. There you go. So don't take it personal, take it out with him.

SPEAKER_02:

But that's so prophetic because you gotta say no, almost have to say no to something to say yes to him. Yeah, you have to be able to do it.

SPEAKER_01:

In order to really accept that yes, exactly, you have to say no to something. Absolutely, because here it is. If I can't, if I can't say no now, right? Knowing that God is elevating me, he wants to make sure that when I get to where to this next level, I'm able to say no. So these little things that he is trying to test me on, and I'm not saying no, like this really might be test from God. Like, let me see what she's gonna do. Knowing she can't, knowing she just needs to sit down somewhere, let me see. Because that's twofold.

SPEAKER_02:

Like, if you think about where God's about to bring you, they can't go. Exactly. That's one. Yep. And then two is when you think about where God's about to bring you, you can't be going backwards. Exactly. I ain't gonna say down, but you can't be going backwards. Like, you really have to allow God, we have to allow God's space in our life to show up, and we have to be obedient when he tells us no. Because what just imagine saying no to something really could give opportunity for something else. That's why before I met my husband, I was saying no.

SPEAKER_01:

No, you wanna go into no, but also but that's a part of my personality of entertaining. Like I like to entertain, right? Oh so that's me, like you know what I mean? Like I like to entertain, but what I realized is I like to entertain at my house. Like, I don't wanna be out with everybody else, but I still just feel like okay, I'll come. And here I am. Exit my friends. Why did I say yes? I can't do it. So y'all pray for me in a positive way, and because if you're gonna try to pray anything negative, weapons may form, but they will not prosper. In Jesus' name. In the name of Jesus. So yes, I have to work on that. Right. So what you gonna leave the people with when it comes to it's okay to say no. Set those boundaries because like we said, that no for the physical form might elevate elevate you to your yes with God. So say no, create those boundaries, say no. It's hard, but once you get in a routine, and I'm preaching to the choir, once you get in a routine, you be alright, especially with them kids. No, Tyler. Tyler Tyler's called Tyler the one. You get me every week.

SPEAKER_02:

It's always one. I'ma leave y'all with just set those healthy boundaries. You need healthy boundaries, you need time, you need to practice saying no, first of all. Just practice saying no.

SPEAKER_01:

Let's say it just ready. One, two, three. No, and you can say no nice, no, not this week. You can say the Destiny Child said no, Megar Trainer said no. A lot of people said no. Yeah, simple as that. And God's no is not, no, it's not right now.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, or or no, because I got something better for better, yeah. We want the better, we want what's for us.

SPEAKER_01:

That's what I want, exactly. What God has. I don't have anything right now.

SPEAKER_02:

Sing alone, but I'm here for Jesus, that song got me through so much. All right, we gotta, we gotta go.

SPEAKER_01:

All right, don't forget to buy us a coffee because and buy me a real coffee because let me show you how to sugar. So buy me some tea.

SPEAKER_02:

Listen, we'll put the link down in the description. Buy us a drink of water.

SPEAKER_01:

Water. I like I like green tea. And it's not a week where I need a real strong drink. Um yeah, some water is fine, a dash of lemon, cucumber, mint, a piece of mint.

SPEAKER_02:

Oh, and a drink. Jesus. All right. Bye.

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Desiree Underwood-Williams

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Joshlin Bartley

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