Women In Black

Breaking Generational Curses: How Do We Stop the Cycle?

• WIB • Season 1 • Episode 7

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Breaking generational curses isn’t easy — but it’s necessary. In this episode, we talk about the cycles we’ve seen in our families and how we’re learning to set boundaries, heal, and build something different for the next generation. From addiction to procrastination to family secrets, nothing’s off the table.

We also honor the good our parents and grandparents did and remind ourselves that breaking curses doesn’t mean forgetting their wins. It means taking the best, leaving the rest, and building something new.

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SPEAKER_02:

And I always break this down to my brothers. I I say mommy was not raised to be a mom because she was raised by her dad and her grandma. So it's like she was kind of raised to be a grandma. Does that make sense?

SPEAKER_03:

I think that the black family dynamic has changed over time. And you can see like we we don't all grow up in the same communities anymore. Like people are moving, whether it be for work, whether it be you know for climate. Because they just peace.

SPEAKER_02:

And she just was like kind of trying to figure it out on her own. Yeah. And then also her mom was not a mom. Ugh. I'm I'm and God is working on me. Literally because I mean that from the bottom of my food.

SPEAKER_03:

When it comes to yelling, back in the day, African American parents tried to prepare their kids by putting certain things in place inside the house, but when they left the house, they wouldn't break. Certain types of structure had to be in place as a survival mechanism. Alright, listen. All right, before we get started, let's do a quick check-in. How are you? How's your week? Ladies, are you okay? Are you okay?

SPEAKER_02:

I wasn't this week. My week was like blah.

SPEAKER_03:

We had those days sometimes.

SPEAKER_02:

I know I had to pick myself up. Actually, I didn't do it by myself. I attended um it's I think it's called the Hub their Bible study. Because she wasn't giving me what I needed. Listen, I I can only give it when I got it. And my mom was just like, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. And they actually answered the phone. Well, she did. But but yeah. She was playing the devil's advocate, and I didn't want to hear that. But I actually didn't need to hear any of it. I needed to be in fellowship with the word because when we're feeling like blah, that's when we need to dig deep into the word. But I almost had um slightly mild food poisoning last week. Yeah. And then this week, my crown in my mouth. I got some stuff going on, but God is good. All the time. All the time.

unknown:

And all the time.

SPEAKER_03:

How was your week? Um, well, I was recovering from last week where I was, ooh, child, I was going through it. Okay. I was going through it. Josh was there for me last week, though. See how that worked, y'all? Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

I gave her just what she needed. Then when it was my turn. Lizon, she didn't give it back. Don't say it like that. Don't say it like that. She was taking everybody's side but mine.

SPEAKER_03:

I know. That's how she perceived it. I was giving her a different outlook. I was holding, I was holding space for what it could potentially be so she can make an informed decision.

SPEAKER_00:

Right?

SPEAKER_03:

She ain't seen it like that though. But one thing I will always be is honest, and I I have empathy for people, so I'm gonna tell her, well, and then she can make her own decision. But she ain't need that in the moment. That's not what she needed. So I wasn't the right person for her in that moment.

SPEAKER_02:

Shout out to my mentor. Because this is my day. It's all right. I forgive you.

SPEAKER_03:

Thank you.

SPEAKER_02:

I brought her MMs today, too. She brought me MMs.

SPEAKER_03:

And we got we have to give our friends grace.

SPEAKER_02:

Don't look at me like that. She side-eyed me. Anyway, how was the rest of your your week?

SPEAKER_03:

How was your today? My week has been busy. Um, which is probably why I didn't have space. Um work was busy. So just trying to check things off my list to get things done. And uh have some thinking space. Reconnect with my husband. That's important. They married though, but they can do that all they like. No comment. But yeah, uh, this week is better than last, and that's all I can ask for right now. One step at a time, one day at a time. Um, trying to get back in equilibrium because I'm recovering from some stuff. All right. But let's talk about it. What's our topic for today?

SPEAKER_02:

We're gonna talk about let me stop this cycle. Breaking generational curses. Let's stop. We gotta stop it right here. What's today? If you haven't done it already, stop today. What do you think some common generational curses are? Um for me, a generational curse is this is just for me, by the way. The the thought that your family, you have to forgive your family through everything. So you don't you can't you you you're gonna forgive them, right? But that does not mean that I have to keep allowing you to come around me with those negative behaviors. And you know, like I forgive you for me, but the thought of like my grandma would say, Everybody gotta come around. No, it's okay to set boundaries with your family. So the generational curse would be to set those boundaries because back then we didn't know about boundaries. Uncles was doing whatever they wanted, aunts was doing what they wanted, the people was doing what they wanted, and we was all sitting around like nothing was going on, and all the families were having their little side conversations, but it just nobody put it to an end, like nobody called anybody's bluff. Should I say that?

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, you could say that back in the day. We can forgive, absolutely, but keep boundaries in place to protect your heart, protect your mind, and we ain't gotta keep secrets no more.

SPEAKER_02:

Well, that's that part. You do something to me or my kids, we calling the cops, right? And you going to jail, yeah.

SPEAKER_03:

Cause back in the day, everybody got a story, right? Yes. Back in the day, I feel like what occurred was a lot in the black culture was like, we're gonna pray through this. And Lord knows I'm not against prayer, but we have to use wisdom too. Exactly. If somebody is harming somebody or whatever, because some people just gossipers, sometimes you need to remove them, set your boundary, protect your core family, and keep things moving. So, I mean, I I had to go through cycles of forgiveness myself. Um, but yes, I I keep boundaries with certain certain situations, healthy boundaries.

SPEAKER_02:

And you know, like you said, pray, right? Because that's what we're supposed to do. But the Bible also said faith without works is dead. So I'm gonna act on it. I'm gonna act on it, yeah, and I'm gonna get myself away from you.

SPEAKER_03:

Right. That's another generational card.

SPEAKER_02:

Addiction. That was one in my family.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, that's hard. Yeah, that's a real personal one for me. That hits home for me for sure. I'm not ready to go there in this conversation, but I agree. Okay.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, I don't want to go there either. But you asked me a question and I gave you one because it's uh today I don't want to cry because I was upset all week long. I even went through the thing of like missing my grandpa, and you know, I lost my dad, and then I just had my two grandpops, my uncles, my brothers. But my grandfathers were like my dog, especially my mom's dad. No, I can't even do that. They both had a different type of way of showing their love for me. So my maternal grandfather, he was just loud. He was gonna love you out loud, cuss you out, and call you grand. Don't don't talk to my granddaughter like that. Like, just love you out loud. So I found myself this week, like, well, I'm going through all this mentally. I wish I could just call my papa. You know, so I don't want to cry, so I don't really want to talk about addiction, but generational curses, you gotta break that. Addiction is heavy and hard. One thing I told my brother that we had to break is procrastination. Because, sorry, mom, my mom used to procrastinate, and I don't know why she procrastinated so much. Like, I don't know why. And I would tell my brother, my one brother, my baby brother, he's older than me, but he's my baby brother. He always gets mad and say, Mom. Wait, pause. You gotta explain that. Because what? No, because he he's sensitive. So you just call him a baby. I probably shouldn't have said that. Like what? But yeah, like my baby, my big baby brother. Like, he's older than me, but in my mind, I'm older than him. This is hilarious. So he he gets when he gets upset, sometimes gets in this tangent, and I had to break it down and like we just gotta be different. Like, don't just say what you're gonna do, do it. Because my mom a lot of times would do that. And I found myself doing that a lot because you have all these plans in your head, but what happens is we overplan and we just do too much, and one time we try to carry more than we can, we try to load ourselves with more than that we can bear, basically. And um, my mom did that a lot, and then we'd be like, Well, we thought you said, We thought you did. So I try to do different. No, try, no, I do different. So I think that's why now I just be like, I gotta do this, I gotta do this, and I make sure uh I do it. Cause it bothered me.

SPEAKER_03:

Talking about that, when we think about generational curses, we put a lot of pressure on ourselves to not be like what we seen. And sometimes it shows out as progress and getting things done, other times it shows out as anxiety or I haven't arrived yet. And when you see that, sometimes the element of gratitude disappears. Like, and we gotta constantly just remind ourselves that we are not our parents. That's it. And we could break those generational curses. We have the ability to choose how we want to move throughout our lives, and once we name it and we understand it, then we could choose different.

SPEAKER_02:

And you know what? Shout out to our parents because they only did what they knew.

unknown:

Right.

SPEAKER_02:

So we're a step ahead. And in my mom's case, I always and I always break this down to my brothers. I I say mommy was not raised to be a mom because she was raised by her dad and her grandmom. Majority her grandmom, so it's like she was kind of raised to be a grandmom. Does that make sense? But you see how you laugh, it makes you feel better. And like that, she was raised to be a grandmom. Listen, if that's what you need to tell yourself to get the raised because that makes y'all feel better. Because she didn't have her mom. Right. And then you gotta also think about she because she didn't have her mom, she just was like kind of trying to figure it out on her own. Yeah. And then also, her mom was a was not a mom. Ugh. I'm I'm and God is working on me. Because I mean that from the bottom of my foo. Keep it there. Because they know exactly how I feel, but anyway, she my mom's mom was not there for her. So my mom was just figuring it out. So that's what I always try to let them know. Like, all we could do was be better than what we saw. Right. You know what I mean? And she wasn't a bad mom because we had just about everything we needed, you know. So Yeah. It's tough. It's it's hard. I um yell yelling.

SPEAKER_03:

Yelling?

SPEAKER_02:

Yelling was one what a generational curse that I try to break. I still find myself yelling sometimes.

SPEAKER_03:

Okay.

SPEAKER_02:

And then I always tell my son, the oldest one, I'm like, if you ever hear me telling like my mom, let me know. So I could just stop. Yeah, just hold me accountable because yelling is my mom yelled a lot. But her dad, I just told you her dad was a loud talker. So she don't think it's yelling, she thinks she's just talking loud. And then I gotta bring her back to reality.

SPEAKER_03:

And that might be the case. I feel like some things are you said no, no, Debbie yelling. Correction, Debbie. Um, I think when it comes to yelling, I I learned or I read somewhere that back in the day, African American parents tried to prepare their kids by putting certain things in place inside the house. So when they left the house, they wouldn't break. Meaning. Gotcha. Well, that makes sense. Right. Yeah. So that makes sense. When you go out in the world and you living in a Jim Crow era and someone pointing at you and yelling down at you and why this and da-da-da, da-da-da. You can handle it now because your parents prepared you. And so you won't allow them to break your children. Unfortunately, during that time, certain types of structure has it been placed as a survival mechanism. Yeah. It's hard for us sometimes because we didn't live in that era. But we also found new tools and new ways to parent and teach our kids how to protect themselves, what conversations to have with our kids before they leave the house. But yeah, I have read that and that resonated with me. It gave me a different perspective.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, thank you for that. Yeah. Because sometimes, but sometimes you can't even talk to these kids off. Sometimes you gotta go. Because they don't listen when you be like, hey little Johnny, can you can you take that upstairs? Yeah, you gotta be like, I said, take that toy upstairs right now. Sit down. That gentle parenting don't work in this. It does not work. It does not work. I was trying to do it with the football team last week. Guys, then I had to say, I had to step away from them because I was like, do y'all hear me?

SPEAKER_03:

They won't be like, we got Coach Dom and Coach Dennis.

SPEAKER_01:

Coach D. The female version of it.

SPEAKER_02:

I was trying to have so much patience.

SPEAKER_03:

The level of patience. But you know what? They had a good time. Yeah, they did. I'm glad they had a good time. Um, and I just realized that I can't do that job. I don't want to do that job. Just not for me. Nope. I'll play my part, play my position. Gotta give kudos to those coaches. Like, it's really a calling. Yeah. It's a calling. But yeah, generational curses are major. We just gotta learn how to navigate them and how to kind of move forward because when you said that one, I'm still dealing with it internally. I know you could feel it, probably.

SPEAKER_02:

Oh, I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_03:

It's okay.

SPEAKER_02:

I'm still dealing with it now.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

To this day with my brother.

SPEAKER_03:

So yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

I um yeah.

SPEAKER_03:

Sorry. My family definitely. I still have to heal to get past that, right? Like I have to heal past what I've seen and what I've experienced due to family members being addicted. Um, I forgive. I forgive. Um but there's still some deposits of hurt that I have to recognize. Certain things are not my fault. You know, I have to be okay with that. I have to understand that everybody had to go through their own stuff. Because I was taking on stuff like I like it was like you're just a superhero. Yeah. Because you are thinking. Yeah. I tried to.

SPEAKER_02:

But you gotta know when to put your cake down.

SPEAKER_03:

For real.

SPEAKER_02:

Because I'm preaching to the car.

SPEAKER_03:

Listen, by the way. If there is anybody who had to live in a house with someone who was addicted to something and they pull themselves out of it, I give them so much credit.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, that's the part. You just said it. Being able to pull yourself out of it. Because I have some family members, right? Who the parent, both parents on on, you know, are addicted to something. But you got this, these ones that say, you know, I'm not touching that. And they they strived or striving. And then you have the other side that fell into the same traps. So kudos to the ones that got out, and kudos to the ones that might have dipped dipped in a little bit and still got out.

unknown:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

You know what I mean? Like, but but also what I want to say is what I saw growing up compared to what my brothers may have seen throughout the family, throughout things going on around our family. Mind you, my family's huge, um, is different. So my ver my version and their version's completely different.

SPEAKER_03:

Yep.

SPEAKER_02:

So I'm thinking sugar and all everything's sweet. And they might be like, yeah, that's because she X, Y, and Z.

SPEAKER_03:

And that's 100% accurate because my family has the same story, you know? And so I get it. And I seen both sides. Yeah. And so it was like, it was like I had to explain to some of my siblings, like, yeah, it wasn't always like that. And but sometimes I even feel bad because I feel bad that they didn't get to experience that. You know what I'm saying? And it's like almost I've I used to feel guilty that I experienced this side, this awesome side, and I kept trying, and they didn't. Right. You know what I'm saying? Like, how would you feel if your dad is physically here but didn't show up to your graduation? Yeah, that's that's hard. And I had, and but he showed up to mine.

unknown:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03:

Like, you know what I'm saying? And me and my siblings have a great relationship. And I will say, my mother covered us with the blood of Jesus, and my and my dad, he was a believer. He was a believer, he just got caught up. You know what I'm saying? And his battle and his own demons.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, his own demons, his own demons that was hard to shake. But you you it's hard, and you just said something that resonated because um, like I'm probably so my generation of cousins that I'm around, like at my uncle's house and stuff, they're not my first cousins, they're my second cousins. So I'm in the first generation. So when when you're saying you wish that they could have seen what you saw, this even goes back to our generation of my timing of like just being around my grandpop and my grandmom. They didn't get that, you they didn't get the feel, they didn't get the the this is how the family is built, this is what we, this is how we carry ourselves. They didn't get that. So when I come around, right, that generation, I expect them to think exactly how I think because that's how I was brought up. And then I gotta be clicked back right in. And my brothers and my older cousins be like, remember, that's not our generation. They didn't get to experience the love and stuff from grandmom and grandpa like like we did. So that resonated with me. It's not a curse, but it's just like, dang, we um we did experience different memories that others didn't, and you just wish you could, they could have been right there with you to get that love and get that understanding.

SPEAKER_03:

But yeah, and then some people just don't have that. Like my maternal grandparents passed away when um I was fairly young, so I didn't have um like I never call nobody Nana or Mam or anything like that. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, my dad's parents very much around, um, but when I hear people talk about the relationship they had with their grandparents, I'm like, huh, mine was a little different. Yeah, we we don't all grow up in the same communities anymore. Like people are moving, whether it be for work or whether it be, you know, for climate or to the suburbs or to the city, like it's just so much um migration, yeah, and and because they just want peace and peace.

SPEAKER_02:

Because Lord, I love my family to death, but Lord, whoo, peace. I ain't trading nothing and no one for my peace, yeah.

SPEAKER_03:

That part, um, yeah, so that's uh that's interesting. But y'all let us know, like what's your family dynamic? Because I'm curious now.

SPEAKER_02:

And what's a generational curse that you're trying to break, or you're breaking, you're currently breaking, or that you've broken, and now you've got a new system going on for your family. Listen, before we go, my one cousin, he definitely broke a generational curse. Like his dad used to fry fish really, really good, like cook really good. And and he's my first cousin. His dad is my first cousin. He used to cook out of a um like a food truck kind of thing. My cousin leveled up. You hear me? Yeah, got he had three restaurants at one time. It was either two or three. It had his dad right there with him. I was like, now that's how you do it.

SPEAKER_03:

So let me ask you then, mm-hmm. Because some of these things we looking at as generational curses, but look at it this way. That wasn't a curse though, yeah. Because look at it this way. He was taught something and he just brought it to the next level, right? Yes. So he built on what his dad taught him in the opportunities that came his way. His dad was intelligent enough to at least deposit in him that you're gonna take this and make something out of it. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, but the same thing, even when we talked about addiction, I know people who have parents who was addicted and they went and opened up a treatment center or this or that. That's the positive aunt because my dad's sister, like she she, first of all, she is cover, anointed, everything. But when she walks it and she You just gave me chills, like when I tell you, oh Jesus, I could start talking I could start speaking in tongue thing about um my aunt. But um what what we with the enemy that was gonna take us out.

SPEAKER_02:

What oh, and what he what he wants us to just believe is a curse.

SPEAKER_03:

We can girl, change because the motivation, yes, look at God, the mo honey, the motivation, yeah, because I knew how for me personally, I knew how brilliant my dad was, and I knew how many people didn't get to experience that. And I was like, I'm not, I'm what the enemy thought was gonna kill me.

SPEAKER_02:

Look, because you are here, friend.

SPEAKER_01:

I don't know what this means.

SPEAKER_02:

I don't know, they be doing that. Am I doing it right? They be like, clock it. Hold on, maybe my hands too. Clock it. I be feeling like they just changed this, like, because that's what they that's what they do at like the poetry. Yeah, maybe they did, and they just like we're gonna do this now. I think they do that too, because I went to see someone a couple years ago and they were doing this. So whoever from TikTok stole, they stole it from tell us where this came from and what it weah we need to know that too, because we're getting a little um mature, yeah, wise.

SPEAKER_03:

So we don't know, but anyway, honey, yeah. Oh, I need a dad just now because for a minute, dear, I was struggling. I was struggling, I was because it's such a it's so heavy for me. Yeah, especially when you're living in it when you were so young and tried to get your father out.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03:

When you personally tried, but you gotta let that go. I do need to let it go, but what I will say is that it's a great motivator.

SPEAKER_02:

It is, but don't blame yourself.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, I it yeah, I think I moved past the blame. Okay. I think what's heavy for me, one, I miss him. Right. Of course. And two, I didn't I know there's some people out there who could empathize with me, but it was the passing that was hard for me. Gotcha.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, okay. All right, guys.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, it was that part.

SPEAKER_02:

Okay. We're gonna wrap it up. We're gonna leave it right.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, we're gonna leave it right there. Another time we're gonna talk about that. Another time we'll talk about that because I wanted to punch somebody in their face. She's looking like she's gonna punch me.

SPEAKER_01:

But the girl is up in the hood. Who did it? Oh did it, stop, don't tell me stop. We pulled around. We pulled her out.

SPEAKER_02:

Look at her.

SPEAKER_01:

That's how I know.

SPEAKER_02:

We pulled her out. She up now.

SPEAKER_03:

I'm done. She is up, she is up. I'm done. Back to my corporate and I said, Come on, what's next?

SPEAKER_02:

We are not corporate here. We ain't corporate here. We took the no capes are off, shoes are off, toes is out, everything. She and all pants off because I got shorts on. I'm halfway to my make it woman era. Make it woman era. Make it era loading. Yes, it's loading.

SPEAKER_03:

That's funny. All right, let's jump. Let's jump ahead. Um, just do you want to leave the people with anything? Because we talked about a lot. I think we gotta leave them with something.

SPEAKER_02:

Keep breaking those curses and don't look at everything as a curse. Take it to the next level. Yep. Change that, turn that for him upside down and do something about do something with it. Like, if there's one thing I could have changed, my whole family knew my brother, my dad's, my uncle's construction. Take it to the next level. Like, construction co. My last name, construction co. Yeah. So don't give up. It's hard, but keep changing them curses. I don't even want to keep calling it curses.

SPEAKER_03:

Nah, we're gonna find a new new word for it because, and we gotta acknowledge if I could just the old ways. Yeah, but I'm gonna add to what you said. Okay, go ahead. I'm gonna we got to acknowledge what our parents did accomplish, right? Um, whether as a family or not. Like I have to acknowledge that my family opened a business and it was it was a trucking business, underwood transco. So when you said construction code, I was like, girl, my parents did that. My dad, my dad did that.

SPEAKER_02:

My granddad did that on my mom's side.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

My the people on my dad's side, they did.

SPEAKER_03:

You still working on it. Yeah, it's coming. And so when we have to acknowledge what they did accomplish, because I sat here and I was hurting over what my dad didn't do. But I have to say that my grandmother and her business acumen, and my dad and his business acumen, you know, they they tried and they got some things off the off the ground despite you know what else was occurring. Right. So sometimes I have to sit back and say, okay, maybe it wasn't as successful as it could have been, or or whatnot, but they did it, they did it.

unknown:

Period.

SPEAKER_03:

They put that deposit down and said, and y'all, y'all. Gonna open businesses too.

SPEAKER_02:

And you know what? Shout out to my uncle. Shout out to your uncle. My mom's side. That's the one that after my papa passed away, they built the compound on my pop up's property. So that's generational wealth. So shout out to you, Uncle Sapeda. I'm throwing his name out there. My Uncle Sapeta. Don't play with him. Because guess what?

SPEAKER_03:

He so yeah, he likes, and and what y'all gonna do next. Yep. You know what I'm saying? And I just got chills. Because they model in a way. Yep, they are. They model in the way. And and sometimes we gotta really think about that though. So take away from this that don't dwell on a negative. Don't dwell on what your parents didn't do. There you go. Yeah, but make sure you acknowledge what they did do and what generational curses they broke.

SPEAKER_02:

And maybe that's a conversation you need to have if your parent is still living. That might be a good conversation. Like, mom, like mom or dad, like what was it like? Yeah, what did you do different from your parents? Yeah, because my mom because you raised all your kids, girl. No, that's you did something that your mom didn't do. She didn't. That is a my mom raised all her kids. I know, I know. What her mom didn't? You're right. So shout out to my mom. Yes, because Lord Jesus, that was my mom. If I if I didn't know, she did because I was serious.

SPEAKER_03:

That's why it was so funny. Shout out to my mom. But shout out to your mom because she did her big one without the instruction manual. You know what I'm saying? And shout out to my mama because she raised some great kids. And she did. And that word of God is in the belly of my mom. And she prayed over us every single night. She put that oil on our head in our sleep when we wasn't sure what we was gonna do for.

SPEAKER_02:

My kids are looking at me crazy for doing that now. I know, right? I don't care. Y'all gonna understand later. Shout out to our parents for instilling the word of God. Because one thing we do know is God in his word, and we don't play by him. Yeah. So shout out to them. For real. And sometimes I don't want to hear it at all. But I also be schooling her because I come out with the Josh's version of the Bible. Like this is how we're gonna break it down.

SPEAKER_03:

We're gonna hear her version because I know it's funny.

SPEAKER_02:

Because I'm a I'ma interpret it just how y'all can understand. That's what the generation needs. That's why Kurt Franklin was so good. Exactly, because God was like, hey yo, hey yo, look, because that's what he said. Grab that stone. Grab that stone, that one right there, pick it up. Go cast it, throw it. But yeah, so that's it. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03:

All right, ladies, tell us about what y'all y'all parents broke or what y'all break in.

SPEAKER_02:

And uh yeah, we can't wait to hear it. And don't forget to tell us what it means and where it came from.

People on this episode

Head Shot

Desiree Underwood-Williams

Co-host
Head Shot

Joshlin Bartley

Co-host